Redefining Success

I often find myself contemplating my own definition of success—but not for the reasons you might expect.

This journey of defining life on my own terms began just over a year ago when my ex-wife left right before Christmas in December 2023.

Her leaving was the biggest earthquake I had ever experienced—bigger even than coming to terms with my identity as a transgender woman six months earlier.

The saddest part? I saw it coming.

I knew our relationship was unraveling. I knew we couldn’t last.

And yet, the knowledge didn’t make it hurt any less.

Because there was a time when we were amazing together—not just in fleeting moments, but in a way that felt rare and deeply real.

And then, suddenly, it was all gone.

No matter how much we had once meant to each other, we had grown too far apart to fix what was broken.

Her leaving shook me to my core. I felt like I was losing everything.

And in the past, when a relationship ended, I was losing everything.

Every serious girlfriend I’d ever had was the only thing tethering me to life, so when it ended, I felt hollow and miserable—like I had nothing left.

But this time was different.

Facing Loneliness—And Finding Something Else

For the first time, I didn’t feel completely empty.

Even as I realized I was about to be truly alone—single for the first time in adulthood, living completely on my own, with no one to come home to—I wasn’t swallowed by loneliness.

Even as I imagined waking up from a nightmare in the middle of the night with no one there to hold me, the panic didn’t come.

It wasn’t her absence that I had feared all these years—it was my own.

I had lost myself in every relationship I’d ever had.

And yet, in the silence, I found something unexpected. A strange sense of peace.

It felt right and wrong at the same time.

Shouldn’t I be more afraid?

Shouldn’t I feel like there was no end in sight to my misery, the way I had after every other breakup?

Did this feeling mean that I hadn’t truly cared about the relationship as much as I thought I did?

That’s when it hit me.

I wasn’t despairing because, for the first time, I was becoming me.

I was finally defining life on my own terms.

Breaking Free from Old Definitions

The only other time in my life that felt remotely similar was when I left home for college at eighteen.

But back then, I had only moved thirty minutes away.

I could still go home whenever I wanted. I could still see my high school friends.

I had longed for freedom, but I had never truly left.

And I hadn’t known how to be alone. I hated it.

I spent my entire three and a half years in college just waiting for my real life to begin—desperate for whatever came next.

But now, at almost thirty, I was restarting my life in a way that was undeniable.

This time, I had real independence.

I had financial resources.

I had a deeper self-awareness.

I had strong friendships and multiple communities to support me.

Most of all, I had no one else’s expectations to answer to.

For the first time, I didn’t feel like I had to live for someone else.

I didn’t feel like I had to look over my shoulder, seeking approval from a parent, a partner, or anyone else.

I had finally stopped living a life that others had designed for me.

And I almost expected the world to disapprove.

After all, being transgender—being queer at all—doesn’t come with a lot of external validation.

People think there’s something wrong with you.

They question every choice you make because they can’t make sense of it themselves.

But I don’t need them to. I know the truth. My truth.

And in my soul, I can feel that my life is finally moving in the right direction.

The Fear That Comes with Freedom

But redefining your life isn’t as glamorous as it sounds.

Dismantling everything you’ve ever known brings an unbearable level of uncertainty.

Every part of my life was suddenly up for questioning:

• Did I actually want kids?

• Did I actually want to buy a house?

• Did I want to be married again?

• Did I even want another long-term relationship?

• Did I want to start dating again, like I had in the past?

• Did I want to keep my job? My career?

• What actually makes me happy?

• Where do I want to live?

And the more I sat with those questions, the more I realized that I didn’t want most of the things I had spent years convincing myself I did.

I had never actually wanted a house and kids—I had just assumed I should.

I had never truly wanted to stay in finance—I had just been afraid of being judged for doing something creative and unique.

Even my relationships—I had never paused long enough to ask what kind of love I actually wanted. I had only ever reached for what I thought I should have.

Almost everything I had built my life around had been defined for me by someone else—a parent, a partner, or the expectations of the world.

But if I was already in the process of redefining my entire identity, what was the point of following society’s script for anything?

Letting Go of My Inner Critic

Even as I rejected the expectations of the outside world, I found I couldn’t escape the voice in my own head.

I had grown up with a mother who pushed me hard—who believed tough love would get me where I wanted to go.

And so, I had internalized that same voice, holding myself to impossible standards, criticizing myself at every turn.

For years, I believed that this inner critic was the only thing keeping me going. That without it, I would fall apart.

But had it ever actually helped me?

I hadn’t been wildly successful—not even in the traditional sense—because of my own self-criticism.

If anything, it had only held me back.

So why not stop?

It was terrifying to let go.

But I had all the evidence I needed.

My brain didn’t need evidence that being kind to myself would work—I only needed to see that my old way of living never had.

Success in work had never made me happy.

At best it had only given me a grim sense of satisfaction.

So I walked away.

From the definitions. From the expectations. From the old version of myself.

A Life That Feels Like Mine

Now, in 2025, my life is more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Not because of any external milestone—but because I chose to redefine everything.

I love where I live.
I love my writing.
I love my relationships—including so many new ones.
I love how I move my body, how I spend my time, how I exist in the world.
I love the deeper impact I have on my clients, now that I’m no longer afraid to show up fully as myself.

Every part of my life is becoming more aligned with me. Not what someone else thought it should be.

Loving Life—Right Now

If I had to do it all over again—even the pain, even losing my ex-wife, even turning my life upside down—I would.

Because while it was incredibly hard, it was also worth it.

I know I made mistakes.

I know people got hurt—including me.

But everyone makes mistakes. And everyone deserves to love themselves and their lives.

And we deserve that feeling now.

Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not in retirement.

We deserve everything we’ve ever dreamed of—in this moment.

With love,

Sabrina

Thank you again for investing in your own authenticity. I am so grateful to be on this journey with you.